Licence and registration

Licence and registration


As I sit impassively staring out of the window of Café Nero on my lunch, I find my mind wandering following a comprehensive tour of the news articles on my phone. I admit I gorged on The Guardian’s plate of reasonably written dishes, picked at a couple of the misguided morsels thrown up by the red tops and then I endured a nauseating five minutes, force feeding myself drivel from The Daily Mail. Bloody Piers Morgan at it again the scamp, he normally reduces women to tears with his clothes off. I’m not trying to be impartial; I’m simply trying to understand the other side of the coin. New Year’s resolution and all that.  It won’t last long, far too fucking hard.

Meryl Streep is over rated. Yes Donald, she would be to you without the capacity to appreciate someone with a discernible talent. No, this isn’t going to be another rant about Captain Fuckstick as he embarks on his maiden voyage at the helm of USS Oblivion. I am resisting the urge to berate him, instead my thoughts come as I observe my comrades going about their day hunting sausage rolls and gathering delights from Poundland.

Here we see the lesser spotted Donny Soldier rolling a cigarette after grazing on a sausage and bean bake. As he tightens the paper around the lush amber leaf notice the distinctive markings on his forearm. These are here to remind him of the name of his offspring, his date of birth and the bright coloration serves to attract the female of the species, he is man. He is virile. Or is that vile?

How are there so many people about? I know move with the times, not everyone has a 9 to 5. They might work nights. They might work a varied shift pattern. They might only work weekends. They might work in front of a webcam. Woof. I can’t get away from overwhelming urge to categorise. Post work. At work. Can’t work. Won’t work.

Post work. Fair, if they’re retired they’re killing time perusing the aisles of Doncaster’s high street stores, gets them out of the house I suppose.

At work. They are having an amble through town to get them away from their desk maybe a late or early lunch, also completely fair.

Brings me onto can’t work. They are physically unable to work because of an illness or disability. Tricky one this just because you can get out the house and go shopping doesn’t mean you are able to work. I mean in most cases you think it would but maybe they’re struggling with depression, anxiety, debilitating arthritis, chronic back pain or could it simply be a case of ergophobia? Don’t generalise, not everyone on disability benefit has a fear of work. No. But it has to be a proportion doesn’t it? I mean look at them all, smoking, vaping, supping a can of Monster, eating a steak bake and buying sales shit they don’t need on a weekday afternoon.

Finally we have the won’t work bunch. Ah if only it was a bunch. A bunch of bananas is what, five? This is a bloody epidemic by those proportions. These people don’t want to work, I know this. Why don’t they want to work? Are they starving? No, clearly not. Are they cold and exposed? Far from it, they have a delightful two up two down council house and a free bus pass. Would they rather spend their day in front of a TV than in a warehouse for a few more quid? Damn straight wouldn’t you? Are they skint? Well they have a smart phone; no doubt a reasonably sized flat screen TV, they’re donning a rather resplendent tracksuit and completing the look with a decent pair of Nike Air Huarache. Not skint then by their own admission.

Looking at the scene in front of me a little more objectively I think about the phrase that all men are created equal. I side with Charles Darwin on this one. Are they bollocks. There is no way I can believe that some of these fine specimens on parade, walking through Doncaster town centre were born with the same capabilities, intelligence, empathy or inherent talent for activities as some others earning their corn. Genetics is not a level playing field; they drew the short straw in this regard and because of this it is only right that they suckle at the teat of the nanny state. I’m not saying that we are all at the mercy of our genes. I mean it could be those behavioural problems spawned from neglect, abuse, an addict for a mother, the usual stuff. It’s not their fault, not entirely. They do though also have a choice and you’re not telling me they can’t hold down a job order picking down at the Range Warehouse. Plenty of Eastern European lads seem to be able to stomach it. Nah, they choose a can of Strongbow at midday on a Tuesday instead.

How do these unfortunates exist in society on no wage though? Seventy bones a week, pay your lecky, gas, visit Iceland, get your backi in and you’re surely spent. Happily relinquishing the will to work. But, how on earth have they got enough to venture in to town on a blustery Tuesday and spunk cash on a walkers multipack, some half price selection boxes and chips and gravy for lunch. Maybe not academic, but this breed of shirker is far from stupid. A simple visit to their soon to be privatised GP sees them spin a yarn and box off some additional income. A mandate to waste their weekday afternoon in the local Wetherspoons. ‘I’m struggling to sleep.’ ‘I don’t enjoy owt.’ ‘I can’t get out of bed in a morning.’ ‘I keep thinking about hurting me sen.’ Ding ding ding we have a winner. Their GP may smell a rat but they have to act on this information, they don’t want blood on their hands do they Mr Hunt. Prescription written, complimentary medication collected (nice one 7 zopiclone), sick note produced and disability claim processed. Kerching. Mine’s a pint of smooth . ‘We’re having chicken dippers toneet… round the kids up, just mine not yours Chelsie’.

“If the misery of the poor be caused not by the laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin.”

They aren’t miserable Charles. Then there are the kids. Those poor bloody kids. Brought in to this world on the back of a night on the Rose and a few blue WKDs. Romance isn’t dead. Ninety times out of a hundred I suspect a convenient accident.

The last time our Smiggy had a meeting for his JSA claim they had found a job that they wanted to put him forward for but unfortunately he wasn’t eligible as he didn’t have a driving licence. The shift patterns included nights, he was unable to get there, no night bus. Not that it mattered because he didn’t want the job anyway. Our smiggy doesn’t get along with them Polaks do you pal? ‘No do I fuck, busy bastards lot of’em I’d rather sit around the house wanking.’

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.”

Typical Smiggy, dirty bugger. Now he could get a licence for a car but it would cost a small bloody fortune. He’d have to have lessons, learn the rules of the road, apply his learning practically, theoretically and pass a few tests and these aren’t cheap. This is a prerequisite to ensure that all of the vehicles on the public highways are driven safely and responsibly. Makes sense. You can’t have Smiggy and his bird belting through DTC on a Friday night in his mates classic Vauxhall Nova, keyed up to the nines supping from a bottle of Glens can you? No, bloody dangerous that. He needs to have a licence, cars can be lethal weapons. Can’t watch TV without a licence either, bloody licence for everything these days. No fishing and you’ll need one for that chuffing massive Stafi you’re after Smiggy love.

Begs the obvious question then, as I survey the alarmingly long queue at Crawshaw’s (cooked chickens for £3 in the afternoon #winning). How are these people allowed to bring another person into the world without as much as an assessment in front of a medical professional? I mean if some of the kids I can see on the high street were any more inbred they’d be a fucking sandwich. Not their fault.

Whoah what the hell is this? Inbred? You off your nut you can’t go dictating to people what hoops to jump through to have kids. Why the fuck not?

We have got to where we are today in evolutionary terms because as Darwin put it we are the most adaptable to change and we have survived famine and disease as well as countless other potential ends. We as a collective are the result of a distilled gene pool. We can’t simply cut off those with a low IQs or behavioural problems can we? No, we can’t that would be rather cruel. We can ensure the current gene pool isn’t being diluted further though and society isn’t perpetually supporting those who do nothing but withdraw. Take, take, take. It’s free money!

“One general law, leading to the advancement of all organic beings, namely, multiply, vary, let the strongest live and the weakest die.”

No Charles we can’t let them die, I’ve covered this. We feed them , clothe them, provide them with health care, house them and give them a few quid for a pint and some ciggies . We have varied enough in my opinion and I think we have struck up a political class capable of protecting the vulnerable, systematically being unpicked at present here on the Albion. Here’s to hoping that c*** Hunt will contract MRSA when he finally decides to visit a hospital ward sometime before the next election. Yes, more could be done and I hope this continues but can we not be a little more forward thinking about what genes we bring to the table for future generations and what environment children in society are brought up in?

I advocate a licence if people want to have children. There it is, I said it. potential parents take lessons to learn the essentials, what folic acid is, why smoking and drinking whilst pregnant is harmful, why changing your childs nappy more than once a day is good practice etc. They ascertain a basic understanding of the cost of clothing, food, they detail their income, discuss their personal life, relationships with people, alcohol and substances. Finally they have a psychological assessment if they satisfy those assessing them they are granted a licence. It would be long winded but let’s remember they are committing to providing for another person for a minimum of eighteen years. They have to ensure their children have a strong moral compass and  that they are educated – I’m not talking school here. If they can’t look after themselves properly they don’t procreate. Simple. Yes it would be expensive but would we not as a society realise the benefits in the longer term? I think we would. Might even offset what we spend on benefits in time and reduce the unemployment rate.

Is this really that left or right field? I mean only today Jezzer has proposed a tax rate of 100% on the highest earners in our society, Christ. Yes Jeremy you are right the pay disparity is perverse but you are not the person to be running with this, not now. You need to bolster your credibility first you donut. I’ll be leader of the opposition by Christmas with this forward thinking.

You’ve got to hand it to them existing, taking the piss, doing fuck all, playing the system or whatever you want to call it they know what they are doing. I do take issue with them diluting the gene pool and getting the state to fund their survival but what can one man do. Fucking scallies.

“Intelligence is based on how efficient a species became at doing the things they need to survive.” – Charles Darwin.


Cheryl’s pregnant!!!

If I’m going to make any difference and I’ll be honest I’m not expecting the whole western world to retreat on their Nuclear position here. But, what I would like to provide is some perspective on events in our media. I cannot acutely explain the feeling I get in my chest when I read or hear of ‘developments’ (if that’s the right term) in Aleppo, the largest city in Syria over the last few months. Then in stark contrast I see the vitriol and utter wank pasted across the front of the most popular news sites and red tops.

I live what I think is a fairly normal life, if that is such a thing. I played 5 aside with my mates from work tonight, then after I went out for a couple of beers on my way home. Several years spending weekdays in a hotel have rendered me non-plussed about the social norm of only drinking with friends. I enjoy my own company, no bugger else does. Watching a very average championship game of QPR getting beat by Wolves I garnered some perspective from my news feed. I enjoyed a few pints, chatted to the bar flies then went for some food. This is where I found the inspiration to write this.

I sat down at a table waiting for my food accompanied by a stray copy of ‘The Sun’. Giver of life. Get. Fucked. Someone had discarded it in protest I prayed.

Christ, I don’t know where to begin. Men, women and children. PEOPLE are being tortured, butchered and blown up in a faraway land and this is what is being reported on:

How Sun-backed charity helped Lee Rigby’s boy

Fuck it, Rupert you whopper. Why not use the murder of a soldier to promote your newspaper? Why not? Prey on the hate on the anti-Semitic retaliation. Lucifer will applaud you after all. Prey on the allegiance to our armed forces for your own ends. Self promotion is vulgar. The irony doesn’t escape me posting this on my Facebook page.

3-parent babies on NHS in 2017

Forgive me here but who gives a flying fuck? More importantly is the child healthy? Does someone care for them? Do they have parents that will look after them? Are they no longer going to die of their mitochondria not being able to keep their heart beating. I hope this is all included in the article, I must admit I didn’t read it I didn’t have time my food arrived. But, the biggest carp in the pond has to be this one.

Cheryl’s pregnant

You have really got to start asking questions here. Where in the name of holy fuck have we gone wrong when this is front page news? I get angry. No worse, I am repulsed that people I rub shoulders with everyday vote with their feet and care more about an excuse for a personality getting pregnant than people getting massacred. We live in this world. Why do people sink their heads in the sand? The only answer I can come up with it because the truth hurts. It hurts because it’s easy to talk about a plastic celebrity’s love life with a twenty something year old lad than the fact some sociopath is deliberately starving and attacking innocent civilians to save his own life. Is that really more interesting, more news worthy? That engages people more? Further to this the most powerful nations in the world are supporting this by walking on by.That’s us. We support it because we are passive. We let it happen.

Remember when you get told as a kid. Nothing worth doing is easy. A great lesson isn’t it. Yet we are all guilty of taking the easy road. We don’t donate our time. We don’t donate our resources. We don’t help. What is maybe worse these days is we don’t donate an opinion. We don’t challenge. But, I don’t believe we don’t care. I don’t for one second believe that. We have become desensitised. Disenfranchised. Disgusted, but we are not disturbed? The wool is well and truly obscuring our view.

If our son or daughter, brother or sister, mum or dad was getting persecuted we would care, but they’re not. Pass that Warburtons giant crumpet Maureen and put the kettle on. When did we stop being people? I can’t help think we are not only stagnating but we’re regressing. What has happened to get us here? Power? Money? Capitalism? Consumerism? Fear? Hate? A bit of them all I think. One definite is a selective and short memory?

I’ll give my candid opinion seen as though you have got this far through my drunken ramblings (I salute you).

IT’S HARD. It’s sometimes too fucking hard. Carrying the world on your shoulders is exhausting.

When you start learning about some kid in the Middle East getting their legs blown off or, just being frozen to the bone all day and hungry in the homeless shelter in Doncaster Tent City. It’s hard to comprehend. You don’t want to think. Shit. That could be my kid, my niece, my nephew.

You can’t change the world in a day and you definitely can’t change it by writing unstructured thoughts down on a train ride home after footy, but it’s a start. It’s progress compared to learning what Cheryl’s 20 week scan reveals.

To build on the small changes we can all make by putting ourselves in the shoes of someone else. Challenge beliefs, challenge what has sadly become the social norm. Challenge opinions. We live in the ‘post truth’ world. A world where bigots, misogynists and xenophobes are encouraged to not only express but promote their beliefs across society and are they respected? Worse, they’re being applauded.

They’re entitled to their opinion it’s a free world.


People haven’t died on battlefields across our beautiful planet for some racist cunt to think his blueprint for life is acceptable. He or she goes unchallenged. I was in a local last weekend and drinking with a couple of lads who used to play football with my bro when we were growing up. Nice kids. Nice is a weak word apologies Mrs Lee (Year 8 English Teacher). Amicable kids. Friendly. I got in to an argument of one of their friends them because he used Niggers to describe a group of lads in a car beside him at the traffic lights. I had to bite my tongue and leave. I expressed myself in another way I wrote a poem but I was raging. But I was wrong. I should have gone toe to toe with him and bit the cunts fucking nose off because what are we saying if we won’t fight for what is right in society. Yes, I would have got my head kicked in but I bottled it. I will do better.

Challenge. Get angry. Debate. Fight if you have to.

Look where we are. We are staring down the barrel of WW3 (I exaggerate don’t I? Please tell me I’m exaggerating). The majority (the 52%) are being manipulated by the minority. Those that put more value on hate and some on money for what? To live til they’re wrinkly 95 year old tea bag with £100m in the bank, surrounded by like minded fuck-wits.

We can’t let hate win. Peace is a long way from our reality but history attests this has always been the case. We might never get there but let’s try and get close. Sadly we care more about what some chameleon does on prime time TV on a Thursday night (I liked Larry Lamb to be fair, loved Gavin and Stacey) than important events in our community. Syria, America, Brazil YEMEN etc. They are our community. But, Larry Lamb departing the jungle is first in the queue when orphaned children getting murdered from a Russian airstrike supporting a sociopath have to wait for their voice to be heard? Where is the fucking mirror?

We’ve all lost someone. I lost my dad when I was relatively young. Not as young as some. On the 10th of Feb 2003 the world didn’t stop spinning. It did for me and my family but unfortunately life isn’t like that. Life goes on people are devastated and it hurts. That was the devastation of losing one man. Hundreds die daily through hate and we accept it. Think of them and their families, the impact, what this motivates them to do, it gives birth to hate. What’s for tea? change the channel this is depressing. We’re better than this. Let’s learn from our past. Let’s stop standing by letting these atrocities happen. Let’s stop turning the other cheek, let’s fight our corner and if we have to go eye for an eye.

Do yourself a favour don’t read this shit, don’t support it.

#StandWithAleppo #StandWithYEMEN #MoreInCommon


Thank god someone didn’t leave a Daily Mail on that table…



fuck TRUMPet


I normally spend my Sunday evenings regrouping from the weekend’s excesses but this week I am occupying myself with this. I was listening to Europe is Lost on Kate Tempest’s new album walking home ankle deep in the decaying red leaves of early November. I couldn’t stop listening to the track thinking fuck she is on the money with this one again. Impeccable observations. Instead of thinking about the week ahead, the meeting with Carol who keeps flirting with me and she’s fotty nine I’m thinking about the impending election across the pond in the home of the brave.

You know the game is bent when you are waving goodbye to one of the best commander and chiefs young American’s have ever seen. A leader. A winner. A man who is absent of ego and in his place come Wednesday you may be ushering in one of the biggest handpumps I have had the displeasure of hearing on my daily news feed.

I didn’t vote in Brexit. You chuffing what? You’re posting that shit on my Facebook and you didn’t bloody vote. It’s bad I know. I didn’t abstain, I intended to vote for Remain but I was delayed on a flight back from Nice and the polling stations had closed come 11pm when we landed. Striking air traffic controllers, the irony. A French Thatcher would sort that right out.

Walking at a leisurely pace listening to a song on social deprivation and my nation and continent losing its identity, losing the planet to what feels like an insatiable thirst for trivial pursuits I thought I could do a bit maybe help my pals in America. I like America. I like the people. Shoot me? One of them very nearly did one night in Houston. If even one person reads this and rethinks a vote for the Republican nomination on Tuesday then it will have been worth my while. I think we should get it out of the way early here the Republican presidential candidate is a disgusting egotistical, sexist, racist cunt.

The word cunt gets overused and my Gran reads this, but in this instance, it is the perfect description for a man, I wouldn’t piss on if he was going up in flames. Now, we all make mistakes from time to time that’s why pencils have rubbers on them. No not jonnies although that might be a good way of stemming the alarming tide of teenage pregnancies in my hometown. This mistake could be catastrophic not just for America but for us as a planet, as a team. When America gets angry people in other countries tend to die. That is a fact. This has happened for generations, what happens if a man who insights hatred in his own country when campaigning for president is successful? What if he is the person responsible for pushing the button? I for one have been researching a potential trip to Mars, I’d rather take my chances there. Unfortunately, Virgin don’t fly there yet. Pull your socks up Richard.

How in the modern world when we learn from mistakes of the past can we not see that this gobbler is in it for one reason only. For himself. A protest vote is a dangerous animal. I’m not clever enough to foresee the fall out from Brexit but personally from the information available to me I think the UK as a whole has scored an own goal. How can leaving the third biggest trading block in the world be a good thing? This came about partly because a lot of people were angry with the political class I understand that what I can’t understand is manipulating people for votes. Lying to them and pinching, stealing their vote. He is doing this everyday. How can electing an unstable bigot, sexual predator and compulsive liar be positive?

When I watch Trump at his rallies and in debates I don’t see a leader. A man who wants to improve the lives of everyone in America. A man with strong ethical values. A man who wants to address the poverty gap fund. No instead I see an absolute shower of shit. This is a man who does not pay his way, avoids tax and fucks up investments despite being given a war chest from his Daddy. He says he will be a good president because he’s good at business. Go suck a bag of dicks. He isn’t a self-starter. He didn’t work his way to the top. He didn’t invest and innovate. He inherited millions that his father made on the whole from governmental financing programs on the back of The Great Depression. You would think knowing this and being helped by his government, by the American Tax payers he would happily return the favour and pay his way. Only fair, right? No, instead he dodges tax and will not release his accounts to the public? You will be working for the hard-working people of America you soft cock. Fraud.

People of America. Who looks after people when they can’t look after themselves? The state has to be that person. I’m not a staunch lefty and I’m definitely not sat writing this in my Lenin pyjamas drinking my tea out of my Stalin Mug. I do though recognise from my own life experiences that people need help at times and sometimes they can’t help themselves. I do predict that a vote for the fuck trumpet will marginalise the most vulnerable people in American society further. He will not support increases in public funding his ‘excellent business skills’ suggest he will promote privatisation where he can and this is not a perfect model, it might make the rich richer but at what cost? I’m not advocating expanding Obama Care (although I think this would be a good idea), baby steps forward though not backwards. I’m not too au fait with all the issues America is facing at the moment as I do have to fit in 8 hours of football a week but I do know that this clown couldn’t give two fucks about helping rehabilitate people, improve the employment rate or addressing America’s piss poor record on the environment.

The only option in this amateur’s opinion is Clinton. She isn’t perfect and to be honest I feel sorry for the poor fuckers having to sift through her emails. Bet the agents doing that thought working for a government law enforcement agency would be more fun. Can’t imagine Bill will be in there saying he’s forgot his dry cleaning again. She is a sock puppet but not a criminal. Its either her though or the morally baron muppet.

Well that’s all I’ve got time for it’s hardly highbrow but it’s a plea from a lad on The Albion. It may feel like hate but it really is pity and frustration. Don’t let this pathetic excuse for a human win. Don’t let hate win. God willing he won’t.